You know that feeling when you leave a big test knowing you totally aced it, only to have it returned to you covered in red pen?
Or when you stay up late and don’t do your homework because the weatherman literally promised that there would be a snow day, and not a flake of snow falls from the sky?
Or maybe when you were super excited because you had the most votes on your scholarship essay, and when you see an envelope in your mailbox from the Mayo Clinic, you tear it open because you are absolutely convinced that it is a letter declaring that you won…and then it’s just a giant bill?
Yea, I’m there.
Friends, the truth is, you did your part and then some. As I said in my last post, you shared and emailed and liked and commented. You blew me away with your support and faith and thanks to you, on the last day of voting, I had the most votes by a landslide.
But the judges didn’t pick me.
It’s like being voted captain of the team and never leaving the bench.
I’d like to tell you that I brushed it off easily.
I’d like to tell you that I really didn’t care that much.
I’d like to tell you that I hadn’t already started a list of questions and specific items to address at the conference.
But I can’t.
I was crushed. I might still be a little bit crushed.
[Ok fine, guilty as charged.]
Something inside of me was so sure that this was my chance to do something big. I just knew it.
Turns out digestion isn’t the only area where my gut is lacking.
So it’s certainly not the first time I’ve been kicked down a mountain I hoped to climb. And it’s certainly not the first time I’ve been disappointed. But somehow this one dug just a little bit deeper and is taking a little bit longer to heal.
But if I have learned only one thing throughout this whole journey, it is that every kick down the mountain is an opportunity to learn. I have to have faith that my cards are playing out in a way that opens the doors for growth and experience.
I just have to.
Faith is a big word.
It means so many different things to so many people, and in my opinion, none of them are wrong. Faith is an extremely personal and reflective piece of our lives and it manifests itself differently in all of us.
And that’s ok.
But for me, right now at this moment, faith is the foundation on which I stand. It is the hope in the unseen. It is my confident belief that though I may be disappointed, this is a chance for me to grow and learn and dive a little bit deeper into who I am. After all, unexpected as it may be, nothing can be lost by an opportunity to look a little farther into your inner workings and find out what really and truly lies at your core.
And although there are some days when it is really hard to keep the faith and it is really hard to breathe deep and know that greater things are ahead…I do my best.
Ironically, one of my favorite movie quotes is from the 2000 rom-com “Keeping the Faith,” a true VHS classic. “The truth is you can never tell yourself there is only one thing you could be. You cannot make a real commitment unless you accept that it’s a choice that you keep making again and again and again.”
I was surprised.
And yes, maybe even a little bit bitter. [insert sheepish face here]
But what I do with those feelings is up to me, and I want to make the choice again and again and again to keep the faith. I want to be open to new experiences. I want to let the feeling of your amazing support rise above the stab of disappointment and pave a path towards opportunity.
So I’ll do my best.
After all, I hear it’s pretty chilly in Minnesota.