Make a choice to make a change... Click here to get started!
  • Recipes
  • Events
  • Contact

Hatch Health & Happiness

Certified Holistic Health & Wellness Coaching

  • Home
  • About
    • Why Hatch?
    • My Education
    • Client Testimonials
  • Services
    • Stress Reduction
    • Digestive Disorders
    • Autoimmune and Other Chronic Diseases
    • Changing Unhealthy Eating Habits
  • Health Coaching
    • Who Can Benefit?
    • Hatch Health Approach
  • Blogs
    • Recipes
    • Health and Wellness
    • Food
    • Restarting My Hard Drive
    • Product Reviews

She Used to be Mine

October 7, 2015 Lydia Buschenfeldt

I had almost fin­ished a post when I heard the song.

My musi­cal idol, Sara Bareilles, recent­ly com­posed a new musi­cal, “Wait­ress,” (think stage adap­ta­tion of the movie with Keri Rus­sell) and the first sin­gle from the musi­cal was just released.

“She Used to Be Mine” stopped the air in my lungs.

I lis­tened, twice.
Then one more time.
Then, with­out anoth­er thought, I select­ed all, and hit delete.

I had been try­ing to write about Sep­tem­bers. To explain my absence from writ­ing, and how my heart triples in weight every year. I’ve been try­ing to write about it since August, but couldn’t get the words on the page. Then this song, this mag­i­cal, melan­cholic, deep, raw, hon­est song, helped me find words for what has been stuck for so long, and I had not been able to find the words to say.

If you have seen the movie or know the sto­ry, you might be wondering/panicking how I could pos­si­bly relate — I am not a wait­ress with a super pow­er for bak­ing pies, nor do I have a hor­ri­bly dys­func­tion­al mar­riage (for which I am extreme­ly grateful…although if the Pats go to the Super Bowl again this year, all bets are off). How­ev­er, the main char­ac­ter finds her­self in a posi­tion in life that she didn’t expect and didn’t nec­es­sar­i­ly ask for. She has to come to terms with the things that she feels like she has lost about herself.

It’s not sim­ple to say,
that most days I don’t rec­og­nize me

Some­times I feel like I spend most of my time hang­ing out with some­one I don’t know. I move through life in this body that I don’t under­stand, with likes and dis­likes I don’t rec­og­nize. It needs things that I don’t know, and notes my lack of com­pre­hen­sion 99.9% of the time.

This became even more clear when an invi­ta­tion recent­ly arrived in my mail­box. My high school built a new arts build­ing, and they named it after the sin­gle most extra­or­di­nary teacher I have ever had — Chris Wag­n­er, my art teacher. They invit­ed all of her for­mer stu­dents to the dedication.

(And yes, that’s the cal­iber of teach­ing I am refer­ring to — they built and named a build­ing, just for her. No big deal.)

My old self would have RSVPed the very first day. I would have been beyond excit­ed to see the build­ing, and many of my favorite teach­ers and for­mer class­mates. I would have dug out my Var­si­ty Art t‑shirt for the event.

(We were State Champs. Admit it, you’re jealous)

Instead, I froze.

I let the invi­ta­tion stare back at me from my desk­top for months.
What do you say to peo­ple you haven’t seen in 15 years?
How do I respond to ques­tions about kids and jobs and trav­el and life?
The response “tread­ing water and stay­ing alive” is a bit of a buz­zkill to live­ly conversation.

(Although, I’d like to think that all par­tic­i­pants of the event also share my pro­cliv­i­ty for stay­ing on the alive side of things…)

Attend­ing social events in a body you don’t know, is a bit like con­stant­ly parad­ing around with a new part­ner. There’s ner­vous antic­i­pa­tion of how he/she will be received by your com­mu­ni­ty, and the unset­tling knot in your stom­ach that you don’t actu­al­ly know what she’ll say or how he’ll feel about the event.

It’s not easy to know.
I’m not any­thing like I used to be
Although it’s true
I was nev­er attention’s sweet center,
I still remem­ber that girl

The truth is that I’m not the per­son they remember.
Not even a lit­tle bit.
I don’t teach or sing, swim or run. I’m not mak­ing art, nor have I trav­eled the world as planned. I don’t have sto­ries from my class­room, nor can I talk about this year’s Calde­cott win­ners. I can’t hon­est­ly tell you the last time I picked up a viola.

In fact, the per­son they vot­ed “most friend­ly” spends most of her time alone.

Its dif­fi­cult to admit, but I’m not proud of this new per­son in my life.
I hope some­day I will be, but I don’t think I know her well enough, yet.

It’s much like a can­vas on an easel, wait­ing patient­ly for the return of the artist. But instead of a col­or­ful and evolv­ing com­po­si­tion, mine has been hap­haz­ard­ly smeared with a fresh coat of ges­so to cov­er all that lies beneath. As if, with one quick swipe, all that had been grow­ing was flattened.

And that feel­ing, of walk­ing into the stu­dio expect­ing to con­tin­ue work on your life’s mas­ter­piece and instead find­ing it drip­ping with thick paste, has yet to go away.

I want to tell you that it has. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that I’m ashamed that it hasn’t.
It has been 5 years.
FIVE years!
Get a grip, Lydia.

She is hard on herself
She is bro­ken and won’t ask for help
She is messy, but she’s kind
She is lone­ly most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beau­ti­ful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine

She used to be mine.
This per­son that I knew, inside out and upside down, used to be mine. For bet­ter or for worse, for awk­ward growth spurts and an unprece­dent­ed long run with ortho­don­tia, she was mine.

And.
Well.

I miss her.

I took a deep breath (or ten), put on my brave face, and went to the event. Buoyed by a dear friend and fel­low var­si­ty art team mem­ber, I ner­vous­ly nav­i­gat­ed the waves of famil­iar faces.

What a gift.

To be able to be there to hon­or some­one who had inde­scrib­able impact on my life.
To give her a big hug and say thank you.
To see my beloved art his­to­ry and math teach­ers, and give my the­ater teacher a big hug.
To joke about babysit­ting for my teach­ers’ chil­dren, and laugh about mem­o­ries of trips abroad.

I almost let fear and expec­ta­tion get the bet­ter of me. I almost missed an oppor­tu­ni­ty that won’t hap­pen again.
It was a stark wake-up call. My life, is a gift to be lived — not placed on the book­shelf until it looks exact­ly as I imagined.

‘Til it final­ly reminds her to fight just a little
To bring back the fire in her eyes
That’s been gone but it used to be mine

On the sur­face, I’m not the per­son any­one remem­bers — myself includ­ed. But maybe beneath the thick lay­ers of ges­so and change, it’s still the same com­po­si­tion. Maybe if I scratch hard enough on those extra coasts of paint, I can still find that girl. Maybe, this is my chance to cre­ate some­thing new.

She was gone, but I hope she’s still mine.

Featured, Restarting My Hard Drive

Sign up for my newsletter!

Join my email list and receive 3 free delicious and nutritious recipes!
* indicates required
Email Format

Contact Lydia

Based in Fairfax, Virginia, Hatch Health and Happiness offers full-service face-to-face health coaching in Northern Virginia and virtually around the globe!
lydia@hatchhealthhappiness.com
610-220-7036

Newsletter

Join my email list and receive 3 free delicious and nutritious recipes!
* indicates required
Email Format

Please check your spam folder for a confirmation email

Healthy Living — Great Recipes and Ideas!

Trail Mix

Bulk Bin Trail Mix

September 4, 2018 Leave a Comment

Sure, it’s tempt­ing­ly easy to grab a bag of pre-made trail mix –col­or­ful, effort­less, and with such fun names to boot! But have you ever stopped to glance at the nutri­tion facts of that bag of seem­ing­ly healthy options? More specif­i­cal­ly, check out the sug­ar con­tent. Some com­mer­cial brands of trail mix have as much sug­ar as a 16 oz bot­tle of soda! The main cul­prit is sweet­ened dried fruit, and some brands add can­dy as well. If that deli­cious mouth­ful of sweet and salty is your taste­buds’ desire, don’t despair. There are plen­ty of ways to make a deli­cious AND nutri­tious trail mix, all with ingre­di­ents from your gro­cery store bulk bin! [Read More…]

Product Reviews — NEW!

Purely Elizabeth Superfood Oat Cups with Granola Topping — Cranberry Pumpkin Seed

More Great Recipes and Ideas!

Meal Planning

Meal Planning

July 31, 2018 Leave a Comment

One of the trick­i­est parts of most people’s healthy rou­tines is the meal plan­ning com­po­nent. Luck­i­ly for you, we have that cov­ered with the lat­est install­ment in our Hatch Video series! More…

Bloat Buster Smoothie

Bloat Buster Smoothie

June 4, 2018 Leave a Comment

Now that we are head­ing into the warmer months of the year, you may find your­self want­i­ng to spend less time in front of the hot stove top or oven. For­tu­nate­ly, smooth­ies are a great way to pack a lot of nutri­tion in one place. Check out the video below for one of my favorite smooth­ies — the bloat buster!

Pan roasted plantains

Pan-Roasted Plantains

May 1, 2018 Leave a Comment

Pan roasted plantains with mashed avocadoDespite the fact that plan­tains close­ly resem­ble a banana, they have a com­plete­ly dif­fer­ent fla­vor and are def­i­nite­ly not to be con­sumed raw (you’ll only make that mis­take once!). Plan­tains are actu­al­ly a veg­etable, chock full of fiber, cal­ci­um and vit­a­min C. Pan-roast­ing the plan­tains allows them to caramelize, keep­ing the out­side a lit­tle bit crispy and the inside nice and soft. Cin­na­mon, gin­ger and turmer­ic add a tri­fec­ta of anti-inflam­ma­to­ry good­ness and a lit­tle sprin­kle of sea salt makes these plan­tains absolute­ly irre­sistible. Enjoy as is, or my favorite way –- with mashed avo­ca­do! More…

Energy bites

Energy Balls

April 2, 2018 Leave a Comment

Gluten, Grain, Dairy, Soy-Free and Vegan

Seeds need ener­gy in order to grow, and cul­ti­vat­ing your own healthy habits can take a lot of ener­gy too! Ener­gy bars and ener­gy balls are every­where we look these days. They are super easy to whip up your­self, but many peo­ple are intim­i­dat­ed by the thought. More…

More Great Recipes!

About Lydia and Hatch Health

Lydia Buschenfeldt

I was a happy, healthy, newlywed 4th grade teacher when a random virus paralyzed my GI system, along with parts of my … More...

Follow me!

Client Testimonials

Rainbow

See what Lydia’s clients have to say…

I’d say Lydia Buschen­feldt has changed my life, but that would­n’t be exact­ly true. What she does is even more pow­er­ful. Any­one can tell some­one else what changes they ‘need’ to make to live a health­i­er life. It takes some­one spe­cial to enable and empow­er you to change your own life. Lydia is that some­one spe­cial. Dur­ing every ses­sion, at every twist and turn and bump in the road, Lydia meets me where I am with an incred­i­ble amount of knowl­edge and patience, and helps me iden­ti­fy one or two steps for­ward to accom­plish the goals I have for myself. She knows that each jour­ney is dif­fer­ent, and cus­tomizes our ses­sions so our dis­cus­sions are tai­lored toward what I need in that moment to help me build the health, future and hap­pi­ness that I deserve.
— L.S.
Man­as­sas, VA More…

healthy choices

quoteYou will never find time for anything. If you want time, you must make it. - Charles Buxton

Topics

Acceptance anti-inflammatory properties antioxidants apple cider vinegar aromatherapy conventional vs organic Dairy free egg free electrolytes exercise farmers' markets food allergies gluten free grain free gratitude health benefits of dog companionship healthy dietary fats healthy dog treats healthy pets healthy snacks hydrating recipes managing stress and anxiety natural remedies Natural sugar nut free peanut free pesticide-free probiotics refined sugar free Self Worth soy free vegan vegetarian
Juice Plus

Follow me on Social Media

Search

Contact Lydia

Based in Fair­fax, Vir­ginia, Hatch Health and Hap­pi­ness offers full-ser­vice face-to-face health coach­ing in North­ern Vir­ginia and vir­tu­al­ly around the globe!
lydia@hatchhealthhappiness.com
610−220−7036

© Copyright 2015-23 · HatchHealthHappiness.com · All Rights Reserved ·