Today was sort of epic.
Scratch the “sort of” part.
You know what’s NOT under that gauze?
A feeding tube, that’s what!
(Also, I just bared my midriff on a public forum…does that make me a reality tv star now?!?)
People. I pulled the plug!
Well…if we are being technical, I didn’t do the actual pulling, but work with me here.
It’s a bit confusing, as medically speaking, I don’t really have anything even remotely resembling a clean bill of health. That being said, I haven’t used the tube for nourishment in about a year and a half (woop!), it’s chronically angry and inflamed, and it poses a big infection risk for my upcoming surgery (more about that in a sec).
Really the only difference between now and three years ago, is that I have figured out how to nourish my body.
I know, I know — it’s shocking, really! They told me to eat only broth, Ensure, Carnation instant breakfast and mashed potatoes, and I plummeted 30 lbs. Can you believe it?!?
(Really Microsoft Word, you need to invent a sarcasm font. I’d use it daily)
My diet now is certainly limited (understatement of the century), but it nursed me back from “failure to thrive” land and enabled me to say ciao to my little friend the feeding tube earlier today. So for that, I feel I owe a personal, heartfelt thank you to the indomitable spirit of the sweet potato, and the ferocious hum of my Breville juicer. Thanks pals.
The only downside of today’s epically fantastic plug pulling is the fact that the replacement tube that came in the mail a few months ago is…prepare yourself…glow in the dark.
Yep. Glow. In. The. Dark.
They now make feeding tubes glow in the dark, “to ease the burden of nighttime feedings.”
(And yes, don’t think it didn’t cross my mind to change my tubes last night so I could enjoy one night as a glow in the dark 31 year old adult…hellooooo Halloween costume!)
Also notable, can we discuss how much more room I’m going to have under my bathroom sink now?!?
In other news, my cardiologist and I are in a fight.
Next Wednesday I’m having a little heart makeover — catheter ablation and pacemaker surgery.
(Some people go to the spa for a makeover, others to the hospital…totally normal. I wonder if I’ll wake up with cucumbers on my eyes?)
But here is my beef: my cardiologist won’t let me bedazzle my pacemaker prior to surgery.
Um, hello! How amazing would it be to get an X-ray with a bedazzled pacemaker???
Can we say BLING!?
But alas, he stands firm in his denial of said bedazzlement. Something about hygiene.
I also requested a laser that would shoot off beams through my skin every time the pacemaker fired.
Fireworks all the time! Who doesn’t love the Fourth of July year round!?
No such luck.
On the plus side, the whole “permanent” nature of a pacemaker gives me time to think. In 7–10 years when that little heart robot needs to be replaced?
Rest assured, friends…I’ll be ready.